Tuesday, September 02, 2008

What am I really doing?

Am I creating “good”? What is my “legacy” day by day? What will I remember? How? How will I be remembered?

After attending this weekend’s Retreat/Conference on Ethical Values: Levels of thinking and behaving, I’ve been feeling my thoughts more consciously. Reading the handout from the class this morning out on the patio, in the cool breeze before the sun’s heat began to break through and intensify, different aspects of the weekend’s conversation sparked in my mind. One is the phrase, “trial by fire.” Kathy wrote: “When we can examine our thinking and behaviors through the Ethical patterns of our human design, we begin to see that life is not simply a ‘trial by fire.’ We do not have to chastise, question, or intimidate ourselves before we can understand the truth of who we are, where we are going, and where we have been. We need to open our thinking mind to new concepts of thinking and understand the truth of who we are as energy beings, how we were created, the patterns that we live unconsciously, and the patterns that we need to understand before we can change and grow beyond our external, fearful beliefs.” (7)

During this year’s classes on “hidden memories,” I’ve become more and more aware of the hidden minefields, flowers, essences (Energy fields!)of the infinite creations we are responsible for throughout time. Because I’ve lived so much self-doubt in my life, I’ve come to understand how this dual chatter in a mind can undermine the very essence of loving creation, how memories hold together as energy fields, and how they make themselves known simply by the mind allowing them to be revealed. This thought of life as a “trial by fire” has been “real” to me in my experiences throughout time. Think of the Spanish Inquisition. I’ve read and thought about the drama of questioning minds being punished, usually to death, by those in “power.” I can conjure the taste of charcoal, the smell of oil and fire and sweat, the sensation of dark shadows and heavy breath, the clanging of iron gates, the iron and clashing of loud voices as hard as the gates themselves. I recognize how I and we, as humans, create this “trial by fire” as the buildup to showcase the courage it takes to stand up for our truth when that truth goes against the prevailing power, and what consequences there can be.

When I think of each energy image as myself, the energy of both tried and prosecutor/executioner, I understand why we have to live infinite images to know ourselves as energy and matter - the power of infinite energy is our design. We must come to know ourselves as an Ethical dynamic energy design. Summoning energy images which I have lived as both tyrant and slave (and levels of man, woman, child, father, mother, teacher, student, potter, tapestry-maker, weak-kneed mobster), I recognize our Human Story.

Summoning the courage to challenge the “powers that be” is simply learning the art of communication rather than war, which begins internally. I am my own worst enemy, as long as I live in fear, whether tyrant or slave. The “trial by fire” is every moment I live when I feel threatened by changing the way I think. The “trial by fire” is how I respond to the energy of life and death, which shows how much I’ve allowed my thinking mind its freedom to love and expand its horizons, to create.

My parents, among others, continue to teach me what it means to Grow Up, to live as a loving being. When we were all together at their home in Memphis a few weeks ago, we came wanting to be able to “do things” for them, to be helpful, since they have been challenged with disease and treatment and diminishing energy. We came wanting to be together, to energize our family bonds, which happens when physically together in a way which is very special and memorable. My mother was teasing us about wanting to “get things done.” My mother has always been a very energetic person, active, busy, and productive. With her cancer treatment, she remains cheerful and courageous in her attitude about Life, even though her energy level fluctuates dramatically. We wanted to cook a few things to put in the freezer, so it would be easy to pull something out and heat it for lunch or supper. I chose a squash casserole which I knew they liked, since it came from a Church cook book and the recipe was one Mom had contributed. The recipe included mushrooms (optional). I like mushrooms, so added them. After cooking the casserole I realized, Mom and Dad don’t like mushrooms! My sister and I laughed about this. Maybe they can scrape them off, she said, hopefully. Mom laughed too. I automatically included the mushrooms, since I liked them, and my memory returned as I went through the process of cooking the casserole. When I asked Mom later if they ate the casserole, she said yes, that it was good. What about the mushrooms? I asked. We just moved them to the side, she said, smiling through the phone. You included it in the recipe, I said – optional. Exactly! She said. Humor lives on, despite all challenges.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in the tasks, the goals of “doing,” that it can keep us from appreciating the reality of us as energy, and how precious it is to share our energy as love. Rather than focusing on not being able to “do enough,” we begin to appreciate the energy of love which calms and heals us, whatever that healing may mean in our immediate physical world.

My earlier image of myself in my life has not been one of being “helpful” to others. Mostly I think I was consumed with putting out my own fires, and the diversions of my version of “walking on coals.” Knowledge about myself as a human being has helped me to be open to examples, and the dynamic reality of change. I see now how my image of myself as an energy being has grown, how knowledge of us as chemical sensory beings (energy never dies) has changed my perception of what it means to live and to die, to grow and to change. On the surface it may seem obvious that we are responsible for ourselves, as physical people – we grow up, get jobs, have families, physical responsibilities that change as we all get older and times change. What about our internal change? My goal of life, even before I was conscious of this being my goal, was to understand the meaning of life, and therefore of death. As I’ve begun to remember the many images of dynamic life, I have begun to recognize the many images of death as change in this cycle, and this includes the “death” of images of myself throughout time. I’ve clung to perceptions/images of myself for periods of time, mourned their loss, just as I’ve worked to enhance others. My “to do” list for this life was not so long as it was deep! Sometimes when an image of life still seems “unreal” to me, I recognize that my mind is guiding me to feel the truth of creation at my level of thinking, to experience the “reality” of it, as a gift of learning. Always, now, I am learning to appreciate the power of us as creators of our own reality. I was afraid of "energy"!

This brings me back to the perception of “walking on coals,” or a “trial by fire.” To feel compassion for the experience of life and death, as a physical energy being, as an evolving consciousness, is to begin to know the truth of cooperation, the art of all sensory communication, and to focus on health rather than disease. I am responsible for my own cleansing and healing, as an evolving energy. By expanding my knowledge about myself as a human energy I’m learning to consciously use my mind to heal my body. Reading Healing Ourself again now, I’m beginning to understand the sources of my mind knowledge as intellectual memory, soul memory, or Universal memory, and what mind energy levels I am conscious of as I live moment by moment. What an amazing gift.

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